It’s week 5 (could be week 6, I’ve lost count) of being home and feeling dreadful. I don’t mean to sound like a whiner, but frankly, this constant pain is getting to be a drag. The new fibromyalgia medicine seems to be helping with the rest of it–my general mood is better–but even with all the pain meds I’m on, I hurt.
It’s getting to be truly annoying, to feel good emotionally and mentally, want to do things and then (re-)discover that my physical self has gone on vacation to the 9 circles of Hell. I’ve got nothing to do because nothing is what I can do. I am very thankful that I can go to the bathroom by myself and fix food (although even that has to be carefully thought through and done in little steps). Just taking a shower wipes out my ability to do anything more than dry off and sit down again.
The one thing that I have lots of is time. Endless amounts of time. I’ve watched the first 6 of the Harry Potter movies and spent an inordinate amount of time playing useless flash-based games on Facebook. If I was getting paid for killing gloom creatures, solving hidden picture puzzles and domating the world, I’d be rich at this point. I also have scads of time to think, to ponder, and to meditate upon my current situation.
Thank the gods for friends. SC came over on Monday and has graciously volunteered to come back on Friday. Need I tell you that I am counting the hours until then? We had a lovely day, chatting and sharing the time together. And we also shared Lester the duck, for whom my piscaterian (Spelling? A vegetarian who also eats fish and seafood)…had one of her rare “meat lapses”. We are going to have shrimp on Friday and I know how I want it cooked. I’m also thinking we can put a pot of rice on to cook earlier in the day so that we can have the GABA rice Paul and I love. (Google: GABA rice; read it and you’ll want to have it as your main type of rice as well as we do.)
But I don’t expect other people to entertain me while I am out of work–and more than that, I don’t expect them to put up with me. I am not exactly in the best of moods these days. I try to not let the pain overwhelm my interactions with other people–and sometimes, it’s not the pain that gets me, it’s the sudden and dramatic drop in energy. I go from be a social butterfly (so to speak) to being a weepy, pathetic child, who wants nothing more than to crawl into bed with her Puppy and snuggle up to him as she falls asleep. As I have mentioned before, I resent this very much.
So here I am, with lots of time. What is the purpose of this time for me? Why have I been given this time, and what am I supposed to do with it? Given the physical limitations, what mental or spiritual work should I be doing, instead of spending hours online? I have begun taking naps. One of the side effects of the fibro medicine is a severe attack of the sleepies, and rather than fight it, I give in and sleep for a couple of hours. The dreams are interesting and I only remember them first thing as I wake up…they fade through the day and vanish in the next nap.
I am finding opportunities to minister that would not have occurred if I was at work. Ministry is really my main job, even though I don’t get paid for it. I am healer and those who are ill or in pain–but more usually in the mind or soul than physically ill–tend to seek me out. I ask the questions they need to hear, whether I hear the answers or not. I offer what I can from my life experiences and try to help them find where they are supposed to be. There is no more sacred duty than this and being housebound means that I really do focus on the specific task without the distraction of “normal” daily living.
This gift of time also allows me to contemplate my house. Still looks like 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag–but it’s improved from the original 20 pounds of shit… We are starting to get the furniture into the arrangement we’ve got in mind for how it’s all supposed to fit in here. I’ve been moved from one side of the room to the other and now I can see my beloved on his computer instead of trying to talk over a wall of furniture to the back of his head. In my head, I’m sorting out the things I want to get rid of and once I can move around again, will have a more solid plan of action for that sorting which will hopefully let me get rid of more things.
Like the other gifts the Universe has given me, I am overwhelmed with the abundance…I can only hope that I will use the gift and use the time to the best possible effect. And I want to learn the lesson that I am being given, both with the time and with the pain.