So things have happened since we last talked.
I saw my physician and he has changed my meds up a little. Increased the Cymbalta and instead of Xanax, I am now on Klonipine. Been taking them for 4 days and there is an appreciable difference already. The pain is decreasing to very bearable limits, only coming back as I tire. He also diagnosed plantar fasciitis. Basically the fat pad on the heel thins and spreads out as we get older…and it becomes painful. Heel cups (with gel soles) are a godsend. Walking (foot) pain-free for the first time in months. Means I need to find a pair of shoes to wear only in the house as I have gone bare foot a lot more than I wear shoes…and slippers will not support sufficiently.
The Cymbalta does take time to build up, but in only 4 days I have already had a serious improvement in my mood. (Since it’s used to fight depression.) I feel better than I have….well, since I can remember. At least a year and maybe longer. I have also made the conscious choice to stop letting the negativity overwhelm me. Yes, we’re in a bad spot financially. Yes, we’re both ill but we are getting better. Yes, we are both being recommended to try for SSDI (Social Security Disability) so yes, we are both considered to be prime candidates for permanent disability (not something you really want to win.) But I had made the mistake of looking beyond this moment and fearing what I perceived as being possible.
I should have known better and I am ashamed to realize that I let go of all I had learned over the past 10 years so easily. I fought this battle before and won it but apparently the victory was not as enduring as I had thought. I identify as a Tibetan Zen Buddhist. Zen. You know, the Zen moment. This moment, now. This moment, right here. That’s all we can be sure of. It is what we are experiencing and can identify, acknowledge and know is true. It’s the only thing we can know is true with absolute surety–which is why part of my spiritual practice is to constantly verify my truths. And I somehow forgot this. I allowed past conceptions and future anticipations to overshadow the reality of this moment, this now. In so doing, I missed the now–the fact that I am getting better, slowly–but better. Better than I have been for a long time, which is a major accomplishment.
I recognize the human fact that I may very well have to keep on fighting this battle and I am grateful for the help the right meds, in the right doses, are giving me. Depression creates its own chemical template in your mind and you actually need the antidepressant medications to help reset the brain to its normal, not depressed state. Force of will is not sufficient and there is no embarrassment in asking for that help if you need it. (As an aside: this is true of all mental diseases; they are chemical insufficiency or excess and medications are needed to regulate them and help the person so afflicted live a more normal life. JUST LIKE a diabetic needs insulin or a hypertensive person needs high blood pressure medicine. No shame, no need to hide it or lie about it.)
Today was the first day that I really felt good for ever so long. We got up early and went to the chiropractor to get folded, spindled and otherwise mutilated. Picked up our mail from the post box and had a bite to eat at Roy Rogers. Decent breakfast at a cheap price. Then off to the bank to deposit our sole form of income, my short term disability check…sigh. Then we drove up to Chantilly to go to the Korean supermarket and get our hair cut. Yes, that’s what I said. It’s called Lotte Plaza and it really is a supermarket. You can also get siding for your house, clothes, a massage, jewelry and get a hair cut–or color, perm and so on. Both the beloved and I had our hairs cut and we look a little less shaggy which also helps with feeling better generally.
Then shopping…getting perishables, meat and some specific items not available anywhere else. We love to shop there because they have the best selection of the specialty items we use in ethnic cooking. I am learning how to do Punjabi (think Indian, but from the area near Pakistan, so it’s a “dialect” of Indian food) and we get all the (wonderful!) spices like Garam Masala, green cardomom, cumin seed and such there. We also get shrimp–$6 per pound, 25-30 count. (Heads off because you can buy WHOLE shrimp there if you choose. I do not.) They also carry Halal beef–if you cannot find or will not spend the money on pastured/grass-fed (and finished) beef, Halal is another option. The animal is tended and butchered according to the Jewish/Muslim law; it’s much more humane, the animal is essentially thanked for the sacrifice of its life before it is thoughtfully and carefully killed. The meat is handled a little differently–and it is my understanding that the quality of life for these animals is also more like grass fed (and may actually be)…so the meat is very flavorful. And at Lotte, it is not expensive. We also got ground pork, $3/pound and some nice little pork short ribs (also $3/pound) that I am going to cut into their individual parts and marinate in a Chinese style sauce before broiling them. (We don’t have a grill or I would sacrifice them to the BBQ gods.)
Then it was time to head home, which was good because it’s been such a busy week and the day was long and busy on top of that, so I was tiring out. But I still feel good emotionally. My body is TIRED, not wrung out or feeling beat up. The pain levels are a little up from where they were this morning (when I could actually “sink the chi” –start with your hands at your sides and then lift them up in an arc over your head, then lower your hands straight down in front of you — which has been so painful for me for so long I am surprised I remembered how to do it) but not unbearable. A single Vicodin will deal with that and in a while, I will go off to bed with the nighttime meds and sleep.
Our friend is coming over tomorrow with his new dog so it will be another day of activity–and of a pleasant sort, which always makes things go well.
The clouds are rolling away and the sky is clearing up to show me the majesty of the sunset and the mystery of the stars in the black inky darkness, followed by the sunrise and the glorious blueness of a clear day.
Or as James Brown would have sung, “I feel GOOD….I knew that I would…I FEEEEL GOOD!”.