It’s Not Easy Being Zen

I started this blog over 2 years ago. I had no idea when I began it that I’d be where I am at this point of my life: mentally, physically, spiritually. It’s been a rough and gritty road, with some sizable potholes. It’s also been a while since I actually wrote about what’s going on with me, fibromyalgia-wise. So let’s address that.

First, let me update you on my medications list, which is quite a feat to be able to recite the names, doses and such. Much longer than I’d like it to be, but I am thankful that every med seems to be doing what it’s supposed to and that makes life better. So let’s make a list of what, how much and what it’s for:

AM Meds:

One Gabapentin (Neurontin), 300 mg, for neuropathy; also acts as a mild anti-depressant
One Hydrochlorothiazide, 25 mg, for swelling; it’s a diuretic
Two Hydroxyzine Pamoate, 25 mg each, for anxiety; prescribed to be taken up to 4 times a day as needed
One Hydrocodone APAP, 5/325, for pain (aka Vicodin); prescribed to be taken twice a day for pain with an extra few for those really bad days when I need 3)
One Venlafaxine, 225 mg, 24 HR SA, for depression
One Lamotrigine, 25 mg, for mood stabilization

PM Meds:

Two Gabapentin (makes the daily total 900 MG; the two at night help with sleep)
Two Hydroxyzine Pamoate (also helps with sleep)
One Omeprazole20 MG for acid reflux/GERD
Two Trazodone, 50 mg per tablet, total is 100 mg; for sleep (specifically)
Two puffs, each nostril, Fluticasone, 50 mcg, for sinus and upper respiratory decongestant

And I have Clonazepam, 1 mg, as an “emergency” anti-anxiety, to be used as needed, but no more than one per day

Wow. Heckuva list. So let’s make a synopsis of what I’m taking all these chemicals for: I take two different medications for pain; I take two different medications for anxiety; I take one medication that is specifically for depression, but I have another that also has anti-depressive effects. I take one medication to help with the swelling in my feet and hands. I take one medication to keep me breathing (well, at least not as stopped up in the nose as I would be otherwise). And I take one medication for mood stabilization.

Let’s talk about that one for a moment. Lamotrigine is what my Beloved but bi-polar husband takes for his mental illness. He’s taking a way massive more amount than I am and it works well for him as long as everything else stays reasonably stable. He’s fortunate that in his being bi-polar, if things get out of whack, because the illness is brain chemistry, he can literally “reset” his emotions by taking a nap. (We all do that, did you know that? You reset your brain when you go to sleep. Probably because it runs on Windows 95, haha.)

So about a week after the Worst Thing happened (NO more LTD for me), I got a letter from the SSA with the date for my adjudication hearing with the judge. I have gotten a new lawyer, as the one in VA has formally relinquished the case–and waived her fee. I feel bad that she lost a lot of money on me and am very, very grateful for all that she did, for both of us. My new lawyer spoke to us for about half an hour, 45 minutes–and it was sort of an audition on my part, to see if he would take the case. He did, and seems very competent. I also figure that he wouldn’t take a case he thought he would lose.

[EDITED]

He did make a really good suggestion which is a better way to describe my disabilities, rather than just saying I have fibro. Frankly, that’s what my psychologist should tell me, but hey, I’ve only had one meeting with him and maybe he will talk with me about it. What I’m supposed to do is speak about what is currently disabling, in a functional (or in this case, non-functional) manner. This is going to be hard for me, because it basically is a list of all the things I cannot do, or cannot do without great pain or effort. I’m going to have to face up to the reality of my disability, which I have been kidding myself that I was doing, just by covering it with the word “fibromyalgia”.

My husband said to me, “You’re supposed to be a good Buddhist” and I replied, “I TRY to be a good Buddhist”. So I can use this as a chance for advancement on my spiritual path as well, if I can frame my life to be “in the moment”, which is very important to me. I believe in the NOW, each moment passing, never to be repeated, to try to live each moment to the fullest, with awareness and focus on that moment. (And then let go and move on to the next moment which has come.)

So here goes:

Hi, I’m Kate and I am disabled. I can no longer stand or walk for more than about 15 minutes without excruciating pain in my back and down my legs (sciatica); I also have neuropathy in my legs and arms. I have swelling and pain in my hands to the point where I am clumsy holding things and I have to be very careful with heavier objects or I will drop them. I cannot twist my hands to empty an ice tray without pain. While I am on the computer for most of my day, I have several different types of activities that I do which changes up how I am using my hands–I mouse for a while, I type for a while and I use a game controller to play computer games. I also stop and stretch my hands, or flex, then rub them, to ease the pain. I have both Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Irritable (Stress) Incontinence, which means when I have to go to the bathroom, I HAVE to go. I have very limited range of motion in my arms and can seldom lift them above my shoulders. Things put on higher shelves are no longer accessible. Pulling on clothing over my head is done by putting my arms in the sleeves and pulling everything up to the shoulders, then ducking my head into the neck hole. Activities of Daily Living (ADLs) are difficult for me; combing my hair is tiresome because it requires me to lift my hands to brush the length. I shower when I have the energy to deal with all of the bending and stooping, scrubbing and hair washing. I have stopped wearing a bra because I cannot put it on by myself. I have also stopped housecleaning for the most part, only dealing with dusting, sweeping, cleaning the bathroom and etc when the filth passes my point of being able to ignore it. And I still do it the way I have for the past 20 years–do about 20 minutes of cleaning, then sit and rest for a while, then do some more cleaning and repeat the pattern until the task is done. Or I’m in too much pain to continue.

I have depression because of my pain and the various occurrences related to my disability, such as losing the LTD disability benefits. I have contemplated suicide more than once and have thought about how I would do it. My most recent suicidal ideation (great term, huh?) was when I got the notification that I had lost those benefits. If the Pacific Ocean wasn’t so damned cold, I’d have just walked into it and kept going out to sea. Truth: I don’t want to be dead. I just want the pain to stop, I want the uncertainties about money and our lives to settle down. I want peace.

I have anxiety, duh. Problem is, it interferes with my life. I am developing social anxiety; I hate to be out in a crowd of more than about 8 people. Small crowd. And very ironic, since my life has been filled with people–I have spoken to large crowds, I was responsible for the local Pagan group back in VA, I had a weekly dinner date with my friends–and we could be as few as 3 and as many as 20. Now I begin to freak out if there’s more than about 3 or 4 people around me, like you would have at a dinner table. I often don’t really want to leave the house–not quite agoraphobic, but definitely not good. This limits me in so many ways–I have no friends here, just the wait staff of the various restaurants we go to, or the staff at the grocery store. But nobody that we say, hey, let’s get together.

I would attend services at Humboldt Unitarian Universalist Fellowship, but all too often, one or the other of us is not up to going. So neither goes. Lots of nice people–completely overwhelming to me. But probably our best chance to meet friends, people we can hang out with and do things with. Beloved wants to get back into his gaming (table top RPGs, with paper, pencils and dice; NOT D&D). If he does, I’d probably go along and play, if only to keep myself from becoming totally a recluse.

I can no longer play the piano. I cannot knit or crochet or do other fine motor crafts for more than the time to do one row of knitting or crochet, or about 20-ish minutes of fine motor work like making chainmaille or jewelry. These are all things I used to do. I can’t talk on the phone comfortably if I have to hold the receiver to my ear for more than 15 or 20 minutes. (Which means when my mother calls, I switch hands a lot.) Even if I were not taking narcotics, I would still be very careful about driving since I have limited range of motion with my neck–you know, turning it left and right. Looking back over my shoulder is almost impossible. With my limitations, I am always afraid that I will have an accident because I cannot react fast enough, or fully enough, to avoid it. Beloved does almost all of the driving. Only on his really bad days do I get behind the wheel–and he helps me watch out for possible dangers.

There’s also the whole loss of concentration and ability to deal with details as well as a certain amount of short term memory loss/lapse. I am easily distracted from whatever I am doing–and just going from the bedroom to the kitchen (about 20 feet) means I can forget what I’ve gone in there for–and cannot recall it, no matter how I try. This is particularly vexing for me, as I used to have nearly photographic memory. Well, my shutter speed is way down, let me tell you.

I’d love to be able-bodied, to do the things I used to do, to do the things I want to do. But that’s not my reality. And I don’t write this all out for you to feel sorry for  me, or to gain your pity. I’m just trying to explain what my life is now, in this moment.

There are good things as well, really! We’ve been going to the beach more often now that the weather has warmed up. We’ve seen pelicans, a seal, a fish that made the mistake of biting onto the bait of the surf fisherman. Lots of dogs, since there’s no prohibition on them being on the beach. We’ve seen a horse and rider enjoying the fun of trotting through the edge of the surf. I’ve even managed to pick up some driftwood and seashells–razor clams and even sand dollars.

Being with Beloved is always fun, even if we’re just doing the parallel play thing, with both of us on our computers and no particular interaction until one of us wants to share a meme or an article. We go out to eat when we can afford it and we enjoy sharing the meals and making our critiques of the food.

I am especially grateful for a healthcare team that works with me to deal with these realities of my disability–my Primary Care Physician, my psychiatrist and my psychologist, the PCP’s nurse (who is a dear!); the front desk staff, and just everyone I’ve come in contact with when I’ve gone in for an appointment.

I enjoy the view out my window. I watch the birds, occasionally get a glimpse of an egret flying by. I watch the trees blow in the wind and I’ve watched the flowers blossom, each according to their time. Rhododendron is a major “thing” out here and there’s lots of it, in different colors. It’s time for hydrangeas now. I’ve also seen a hummingbird. I’d like to put up a feeder for it, but haven’t gotten around to doing what that requires. C’est la vie.

Thanks to Facebook, I am actually in touch with my friends from VA almost more than when I lived there. Daily posts and shared items make my day better.

So I’m reaching the limit of what my hands can take and rather than save this as a draft, I’ll finish it up and post it out. Yes, I have my limits. So does everyone else. My biggest goal right now (behind winning my adjudication hearing) is to find something that I can do for fun, just for me. See, my psychiatrist asked me the other day, “What do you do for fun?” and the first answer (which you should always go with) that popped into my head was “Not a damned thing.” Time to change that. I’ve got several possibilities, just a matter of seeing if I can manage them within my limitations. I want to try watercolor painting and even have a “how to” book to start it with. I’m also trying to do some sketching. Nothing major, just little doodles to get used to drawing again. We’ll see.

So this is where I am, and with the oh so helpful chemicals in my system, not doing as bad as I was a week ago. I’m Kate, and I’m disabled. But I can still enjoy the perfection of each moment as it comes along, whatever comes with it.

Namaste!

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2 thoughts on “It’s Not Easy Being Zen

  1. Sandra Busey

    Oh Kate…I am so distressed about your failing mental and physical health. In my head and heart I still see the vital woman you were in Virginia not long ago. I’m so glad the meds help. Being disabled myself, I understand how frustrating it is to have actual limitations and to lose out on so many activities. My prayers and thoughts will stay with you and my heartfelt wish is for you to receive your much needed disability check. Love to you always…Sandy

    Reply

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