I’m going to start with this link, please take the time to click it and read the article–it’s not long!
Start Where You Are
This was the comment I posted for that article:
“Thank you, thank you, thank you! You have my deepest gratitude for your words today. I need(ed) them so badly!
Obviously, I am a sufferer of chronic pain–and the limitations my various diagnoses have forced on me. I have also had my stress-anxiety disorder tested to its limits as I am *still* fighting for SSDI (4 years and counting; could be another 4-6 years) AND I am dealing with a Long Term Disability insurance company that has stopped benefits several times because they think I can and should go back to work.
So this article hit me hard…because I am preparing to be transported from Eureka to Redding (a 3 hour tour of the winding-est roads and mountain terrains I’ve seen since we drove up from Sacramento 17 months ago). The LTD insurance company wants an independent medical evaluation before making what will be an absolutely final decision about my case. Part of the reason they don’t want to pay (aside from the obvious of trying not to pay ANYONE) is that if they make the decision in my favor, it means they are then obliged to pay me until 2028, when I turn 67 and go onto Social Security (“retirement” rather than SSDI disability). If I do receive SSDI, the insurance company will pay the difference between SSDI and my LTD benefits–a not insignificant sum and one that would be totally wonderful to have as part of our limited and very set income. SSDI does not give much of a raise each year and there’s no bonuses or overtime available. Sigh.
As it is probably obvious, I am in “a state”, making sure that I have the medical documentation I have been asked to bring to the office–it’s only about 2 inches tall, not a very big pile of medical histories at all… I have the added stress of preparing for a night away from home, because I cannot sit for 3+ hours, see the doctor (scheduled time is 1 1/2 hours, plus any waiting I have to do) and then have to make the 3+ hours ride home. The insurance company is providing transportation and lodging (at the local casino! haha … because it’s cheaper than the Holiday Inn next to the doctor’s office) for me–and my 6 foot tall teddy bear, aka my husband. That’s really great and the casino hotel looks awesome–it’s very new, just about 1 year old. BUT. It means I have to pack a bag, even though it’s a small one–preparing adequate medications in travel containers, carrying our CPAP machines and the distilled water for them, and entertainment for the hours between the doctor’s visit (let’s say 5 pm) and being picked up to go home, 11 am Wednesday morning. My mobility scooter is going with us, so I have to remember the charging cord for it…
In other words, I am feeling rather overwhelmed and VERY anxious, stressed out about tomorrow.
We have errands today to finish up some preparations–we both need more nose spray (or we can’t breathe), he’s got meds to pick up, and we have to check our mailbox in the local UPS store to get meds for me, and hopefully, the San Francisco VA Medical Center has sent me the hard copy of ALL of my VA records, along with a CD of the imaging that’s been done–which is totally necessary, as it shows the degenerative arthritis in my spine and the bulging or missing discs in various sections of same.
It’s sort of ironic that the medical thing that will probably get me declared “truly” disabled is the sad condition of my spine, and not the fibromyalgia that covers every other symptom. But I’ll take what I can get.
Reading your article as I said truly gobsmacked me–and I truly needed that. “Start where you are” is great for the daily life (and as a Buddhist myself, I try really hard to find that kind of living in the moment mindset) but I especially needed to hear that today, for today and for tomorrow. I think that once I’m finished at the doctor’s I will calm down a great deal, because my part will be done, there’s nothing more I can do to affect the company’s decision–and with this, they have a very limited time to give me the answer, so the endless waiting and hoping will no longer be endless. Regardless of the decision, the “not knowing” will be over and that in itself is a great removal of anxiety and stress.
I am grateful to belong to this community–it sucks that we all suffer something beyond “normal” life, but at least we have each other! And I appreciate your letting me post this wall of text to say sort of out loud what’s going on in my head–which helps me deal with it. Knowing that I’ve now got a lot of sympathetic and kind thoughts for me happening in the cosmos of chronic illness sufferers…means more than I can say. Thank you, all of you–and especially Toni for giving me the reminder that I can face anything, particularly stressful or anxiety-producing, with the mindset of “Start where you are” and then “find workarounds”. (PS–Like Toni, I am right-handed. I am becoming more and more ambidextrous as I have to use that left hand/arm more often. It’s not a bad trade-off.)
Blessings, peace and joy to you all. All we truly have and can live in is this moment, right here–moment by moment.
Saves me from having to retype everything and lets you get informed about the way too exciting events I’m dealing with this week. I’ll update this when I can after I see the doctor. In the meantime, cross your fingers and help me hope for, wish for, a positive decision that will immediately decrease not only my gargantuan stress/anxiety level, but also Beloved’s. It means living within OUR means and not within the generosity (very much appreciated but also a bit… dependent as a child and no longer an adult…) of his parents. It means the difference between being able to get the bare necessities and being able to afford some of our “wants” without having to choose between them and eating. And we would get that anxiety not only alleviated, but smashed because the insurance company owes me 13 months of pay if they approve it–and then the monthly checks begin. I try not to think about that chunk o’ money because we might not get it…and I don’t want my hopes up that high!
So that’s where I am, we are. I can use all the good juju, prayers, good thoughts, positive energy, candles lit, whatever it takes to make the situation have a good and successful end. Thank you and watch for the updates, which will, all the gods willing, be happy ones!