A Lesson in Abundance (from Jun 2010)

The universe has been teaching me about abundance.  First there was the concept of financial abundance.  I have learned to actually manage living in this area (NoVA/DC) on less than half of the “accepted” minimum living wage.  I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, clothes on my back, a job and a car.  Maslow would be proud of me, meeting the basic fundamental needs.  Let’s move on to self-actualization.  So the next level of the hierarchy of needs includes such things as acceptance by the tribe; got that.  Life abundance, second lesson.  Good friends, decent coworkers, access to a spiritual community that accepts my belief system.

Sort of an abundance concept is the peace and contentment that comes from awareness of self and Zen living.  Not sweating the small stuff and realizing, as the saying goes, that it is ALL small stuff.  Taking each day, each moment as it occurs; learning the lesson and then letting go of any emotional tie.  Going with the flow.

I am apparently slow on the uptake because the current lesson in abundance involves love.  Why on earth did I not make the natural connection to the idea that if the Universe was going to grant me financial abundance, it would not stint on love abundance?  I continue to be overwhelmed by the amazing fact of being loved by him as deeply, as thoroughly, as completely as I love him.  My feelings are absolutely mirrored and reflected–and returned, on a one-for-one, equal basis.

And so I struggle with this.  I have not gotten rid of all the emotional baggage I thought I had.  I am embarrassed to say that some old ideas and behaviors are rearing ugly heads and trying to sabotage the happy joy machine.  I am doubtful and disbelieving of the most obvious proofs of being loved.  I still am disinclined to accept that anyone truly loves me first as deeply as I had ever hoped or dreamed for and second, as much as I love them.

I have a history of trying to maintain relationships with ummm shall we say, emotionally unavailable men?  It’s the trite but true story of a woman looking to repair or redo the relationship with her father by reliving it with her significant other/s.  And in this relationship, for the first time in my life, I have a man who is not emotionally distant.  Freaks me out.  Not really sure how to deal with it.  Love it all the same.

It has taken me a long time to get to this place, where I am able to recognize that this is my forever relationship, he is my partner, my lover, the other half of my being.  As expressed so eloquently by someone else who had this kind of relationship, I love who I am when I am with him.  I am better, I am more truly myself with him than I was without.  The part that completely baffles me is that he feels this way about me.

It is an overwhelming, filling with awe sort of feeling, to know that all the depth of love I have for him is reciprocated at exactly the same level of intensity.  We find that we are stressed out and anxious when separated and each reunion, even if the absence has been only a few hours….is like your family dog greeting you.  ”You’ve been gone forever, I thought you were NEVER coming back, I am sooooo glad to see you!!!”

The people around us gag from the sweetness.

The same sense of Truth that I get from my spiritual  beliefs is present when I examine my feelings of love.  I will be with this man for the rest of our lives; I see no other man but him; I want no other man but him.  And he feels the same about me.

And he feels the same about me.  The overpowering, overwhelming sense of love I have for him, he has for me.  What on this green earth did I do to deserve this?  It’s an amazing, amazing thing.  I just have to shake my head in wonder as I realize that the Universe is once again giving me so much more than I had asked or wished for–once again, there is an abundance beyond my ability to conceive of…an abundance of love and all of its manifestations in my life.

Be careful what you wish for, I said; for the Universe is a generous, giving Universe and you will find yourself abundantly blessed with all that you need, with most of what you want and with the very thing that you ask for–except that it will  be an abundance that surpasses your wildest dreams.  Hold out your hands, here it comes….

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