Be Careful What You Wish For (from May 2010)

Be careful what you wish for.  Why?  Because you might get it.  Then what?

I left my husband of 17 years in 1999.  I had learned from him that being alone was not the worst thing I could do.  But the leaving still caused a major paradigm shift in my life.  In that single act, I lost pretty much every aspect of my life: financial security, future security, social status, tribal identity, religious faith.  I was blessed to have a friend that let me hide out in her house until I was able to stand on my own two feet.

Once I could stand, I began to walk my own path.  In the intervening 11 years, I have learned how to be alone and have a happy life.  Oh I have my own tribe now, my group of friends.  I have a job that makes enough money for me to have the basic needs of life and some of the things I want.  I have grown in ways that would never have been possible any other route.

I have found me, the me I was born as.  And I was happy in this life–but there were times when a certain tristesse (French word, basically means a sweet sadness) would overcome me.  I hoped for that someone I could share my life with–without either of us having to change anything major to accomodate the joining.

Three years ago, I thought I had it.  He was all I had asked for–except I forgot to ask for “healthy”.  Do you know what it’s like to watch the man you might have loved die?  It’s the not knowing that makes it that much harder.  We never got the chance to explore anything.

So I went on, same as I had been.  Doing my thing, hanging with my friends, sitting to the computer.  And finally, I decided that it wasn’t going to happen.  I let go of the wanting and waiting.  Said, okay.  I’m going to be alone the rest of my life and I’m all right with that.  Accepted the idea, really took it to heart.

The gods have a real sense of irony.  Less than two weeks later, I met him.  Yes, “HIM”.  Everything I had asked for; similar spiritual path, intelligent, funny, kind…and healthy.  Even his name holds incredibly good associations for me from my own past…

Whirlwind romance is not the most accurate description.  How about collision?  Speed of light fusion?  The parallels in our thinking, in our views, in our behavior is frightening.  How can I love him this fast?  Because I love me and he is me–and I am him.  And love him, I do.  I know that I had an existence prior to him, but for the life of me, I can’t remember what it was like.

Even as we acknowledge the incredible speed we are moving at, we do nothing to slow it down.  He completes me and I didn’t even think I was incomplete.  He wants to please me.  Dear gods, the gift of that.  The love he gives me…the pleased expression when I tell him that I love him.  The joy of being able to say it.

I know we are freaking out our friends even as we overload them on sugary gloppiness…but when it’s this unbearably right, why wait?  Why waste time that could be spent together?  We can hardly bear to be separated–probably a natural reaction to the lonely lives we were leading, but…not necessarily going to end even when our skin hunger is finally assuaged.

The easy way we are together, like an old married couple…less than three weeks after we first talked.  The completely frank way we discuss the years to come–together.  With each conversation, we find out more about each other–and the synchronicity of our brains is almost frightening.  He tells me his dreams and they are mine; we frequently have the same thought in two minds.

Soul mates?  It has to be.  There’s no other explanation for this.  We pine when we are apart and our reunions are always joyous.  I’m sure our friends figure we’ve dropped off the face of the earth…no phone calls, few emails, little texting, barely online long enough to update the social networks.  Chores aren’t getting done, life is on hold…at least until we can figure out a way to integrate our lives as deeply as our souls.

This was definitely worth waiting for.  What a generous, generous Universe there is…so be careful what you wish for.

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